The Aunt's Love Files
by Emma Lipardi
Summary: This is a series of oneshots that didn't make it into the story. Some are spoofs. Some are deleted scenes. Others are ideas I wanted to include, but couldn't. Let me know if there is a scene you want to see.
1. Snape's Black Eye

Author's Note: Okay, so I'm trying to write a German paper right now (yes, in German) and I had this idea kicking around in my head for a long time. It just won't leave me alone, so I decided to let you all have a bit of fun as well. I think this posting will lead to others, so this is going to be my "An Aunt's Love – Deleted Scenes" version. So, things that were supposed to make it into the story but didn't are here, as well as random quirks my brain produced that were funny but didn't belong in the story. Oh, I'm sure you all get the point.

* * *

"Stupid, spoiled, arrogant, _Gryffindor_ brat!" Snape mumbled to himself as he and Zareh left Hogwarts' grounds.

"Don't hold back." Zareh commented flippantly. "Tell us how you really feel." The man sent Snape a grin worthy of a Hufflepuff and folded his hands behind his back. "You do know where he lives, right?" He asked as Snape pulled out a portkey.

"Unfortunately." Snape gestured for Zareh to take hold of the portkey and whispered the password to activate it. The tug came and went, leaving the two men in an alleyway down the street from Potter's house. "Muggle life." Snape muttered as he eyed the cookie cutter houses with disdain. "How droll."

"Didn't you grow up in a house like these, Severus?" Zareh asked as he followed Snape down the sidewalk.

"I've repressed those memories, thank you very much." Snape growled as he whirled on Zareh. "I'll ask you not to mention it again, William."

"Sure thing, Severus." Zareh said with his hands in the classic surrender position. "So, what number are we looking for?" He asked curiously.

"Four." Snape growled. "Expect wards." He warned Zareh as he continued down the sidewalk.

"Wards, shmards." Zareh muttered. "This is the _actual_ Harry Potter we're going after, right?" Zareh asked. "I'd hate for this to be a wild goose chase."

"You used to be quiet." Snape said. "What happened?"

"Caffeine." Zareh told him with a smile.

"Ah." Snape was well aware of the effects of caffeine on a person. Draco had learned not to ask anything of Snape until after the man had some form of caffeine. "That nasty side effect will wear off in time?" He asked.

"Yes. In fact, it's going now." Zareh told him calmly. "There, I'm calm now." Zareh lapsed into silence, leaving Snape to wonder what would happen if Zareh combined lemon drops and caffeine. The evidence of the Headmaster's actions combined with the effects of caffeine could prove to be quite... "Ow." Zareh said after some consideration from the pavement.

"I believe," Snape said as he peeled himself from the ground and gained his feet, "that we have found the wards to Number Four." He pulled Zareh up and turned to study the invisible wall.

"Muggles have to notice this." Zareh snorted.

"Yes, they would, if they had _magic_." Snape sneered at Zareh.

"Oh, right." Zareh gave Snape a sheepish look.

"God save me from fools." Snape muttered to himself. "How on earth did you receive the Defense post?" Snape raised an eyebrow.

"I'm an Auror." Zareh said. "That's enough for Dumbledore."

"Hmm. The Headmaster must be slipping." Snape said as he took out his wand and cast a Notice-Me-Not charm on himself and Zareh.

"Prat." Zareh returned as he turned to stare at the invisible wall.

"Brainless." Snape hesitated to even think it, but he felt that he and this Zareh person could be...acquaintances.

"Bat." Zareh spat as he raised his wand at the ward. "This is tightly woven. Whoever did this didn't want anyone to get through."

"The Headmaster did want to allow wizards through. Just not wizards that could harm the brat." Snape told him. "Several Order members were able to come and go before this and I doubt the Headmaster would have sent us had he known that the wards have changed." Snape sighed and decided that the only way he could finish this fool's errand was to convince the wards themselves that he meant no harm to the boy. _Wonderful._ "Think benevolent thoughts, Zareh." Snape said as he grabbed Zareh's arm and paced up to the ward wall and allowed his body to brush the surface. _I can not believe that I am broadcasting good will to Harry Potter's wards._ He thought to himself under his shields.

He had to spend the next fifteen minutes thinking nice thoughts about the Boy-Who-Lived. _I'm in my worst nightmare._ The wards had accepted him, examined him, and released him to move forward in those fifteen minutes. It had felt like the longest period of brewing he had ever needed to accomplish. Boring and fraught with possible danger. Zareh was waiting for him with a foppish grin on his face.

"One would think you don't like Potter." Zareh said. "I was allowed through almost immediately.

"'Ask me no questions...'" Snape quoted. "Let's just get this over with." Snape said testily. "I have things to do at the castle."

"Right." Zareh said as he stopped at the door and rang the doorbell. _Looks like he's had some experience with Muggles...must be his Auror training. Or background._ Snape's musing was cut short when a thin woman opened the front door. Snape saw her take in their appearance of wizarding robes and watched as her defenses went up. He sent out a quick probe of Legillmency and found that nothing was readily available.

"We're here for Potter." Snape told her.

"Harry's not here." She told him.

"What?" Snape snapped. _If that boy is out doing anything foolish or reckless, he _will_ answer to me._

"I sent him to school." Petunia said calmly. "He's not here."

Snape stared at her for a few seconds. _If Potter's not here and he wasn't on the train with the others, where in the world is he?_

"He didn't arrive with the other students, ma'am." Zareh said politely. "We're just here to take him to school. We're both on Hogwarts' staff." Zareh explained to the woman. "I'm Professor William Zareh and this is my colleague, Professor Severus Snape." Zareh's skills as a 'gentleman' were renowned in the Auror corps. Too bad the skills didn't work here.

"I couldn't care less where you are from." Petunia told them. "Harry is not here. He's at school."

"He didn't arrive at the school, Mrs. Dursley." Zareh said.

"Young man, do you think I am stupid?" Petunia asked in a dangerous voice. "I am getting tired of repeating myself, so I'm only going to say this once more: Harry is not here. I sent him to school. Good day, gentlemen." Petunia shut the door firmly and Snape found himself doing something very un-Snape-like. He gaped.

"Did she just do that?" Zareh asked.

"Obviously." Snape said as his mind told him he was doing something undignified and that he better stop before Zareh lost all respect for him. "She's hiding the boy." Snape decided. "The brat probably didn't want to leave home." Snape surmised as he raised his wand and cast the unlocking spell.

He stepped into the Muggle home and felt his skin crawl. It was so...clean. Obsessively so.

"How dare you come into my home?" Petunia shrieked from the doorway leading into the kitchen. "I've already said the boy is not here. Now get out before I call the police!

"The boy is not at Hogwarts, either." Snape told her. "We are not leaving until we have Potter." Snape told her, raising his wand.

"Who says I sent him to Hoggity's?" She demanded. Zareh was very quiet next to Snape. The Potions Master turned to study his partner and noticed that the man was afraid of the woman. _What a fabulous Auror. I feel so very safe with him along. Pathetic._

"You sent him elsewhere?" Snape asked. _Good Merlin. Potter loose in a foreign magical school. The Continent will not survive._ "Where?"

"I refuse to tell you. The boy is still _my_ nephew and I will send him where I like for school. Now, get out and tell that _man_ to leave my nephew alone." Petunia pointed to the door and waited for them to leave.

"William, check upstairs for the boy." Snape told him as he pushed past Petunia. "I will check down here." Snape didn't wait for Zareh to move before he started to look around. Something was off in this house.

"What do you think you're doing?" Petunia demanded as she followed Snape into the sitting room. "You are breaking the law, even your kind have laws!" She said. "Leave now."

"Not without the boy." Snape told her firmly.

"He's not here!" Petunia nearly shouted with exasperation. "Wait until my husband gets home. He'll toss you out on your ear."

"I doubt that very much, madam." Snape said with a sniff. "I'm the man with the wand." Snape told her.

"Did you just threaten me?" She demanded.

"I never threaten." Snape told her with a malicious grin. He didn't usually engage in Muggle baiting, but this was particularly enjoyable.

"Oh, I see. You don't _threaten._ I guess you must know what a threat sounds like." She said calmly. "I am giving you and your associate exactly three seconds to leave my home or I will toss you out myself." She said with a glare.

"I'd like to see you try." Snape said as he moved into the next room.

"One." Petunia started to count down behind him. Was this woman actually...? "Two." She said as she pointed at the door. Merlin, she was! Snape only raised an eyebrow at her. She was being extremely serious about this. "Three." She grabbed hold of Snape's arm and started to drag him to the door.

Snape only rolled his eyes as Zareh came down the stairs to witness this predicament. This fell under self-defense, correct? "_Pet-_." His eye only had a second to process the image of a fist coming at him before he felt pain explode behind his eye. He let out a terrific swear word he only used after a brutal session with the Dark Lord.

"Whoa." Zareh said from behind him on the staircase. "She was serious." Snape wanted to strangle the man for the slight hint of awe in his voice.

"Out! Out! OUT!" Snape felt himself pushed out of the house and Zareh bashed into him as the woman slammed the door. The man's head slammed into Snape's face, reinforcing the wonderful sensation of swelling and bruising from the punch.

"I could cheerfully kill you at this moment." Snape ground out as he straightened from his slight crouch.

"I didn't think you did anything cheerfully." Zareh commented. He paused and stared at Snape's already bruised eye. "That looks nasty." He told Snape.

"Thank you, William. I wasn't aware of that!" Snape had to stamp his homicidal urge into the pavement. Dumbledore would not be pleased if he had to find another Defense teacher so soon into the term.

Snape felt the wards tighten and wondered how that was possible. The woman was a Muggle! She shouldn't be able to do that. Snape had a feeling there was more to these wards than Dumbledore was willing to say. He straightened and glared at Zareh. "Let's get back to Hogwarts." He said gravely. "The headmaster needs to know about this."

Snape stalked away from the Muggle house and wondered exactly where Potter was. He couldn't wait to take house points away for the indignity of his blackened eye.

* * *

Author's Note: I promised to post something like this ages ago, but somehow forgot to do so. I hope you liked it! 


	2. Rocks Fall and Everyone Dies

Author's Note: My brain was bored and obsessed about the "Rocks Fall...Everyone dies!" concept. This is the result.

* * *

Emma stares at the towers of books surrounding her. It is "Dead Week" and she is certainly dead. She decides to check her email and smiles at seeing a review. She clicks and frowns once she reads it. "Update?" she says a little shakily. "Now?! It's Dead Week!" She reads the death threat at the end of the review. "Um..." she opens Word and decides that her readers need _something_ so they don't hunt her down and kill her. Some of those threats sound real.

Emma's Muse pops up with a huge smile. She had been enjoying her vacation, but this was more fun! "Now...for this next chapter w—

"No." Emma snaps. "I've had it up to HERE with you and your plot twists. The next chapter goes like this 'Rocks fall. Everyone dies.'"

The Muse stares at Emma with despair rising in her eyes. "But the plot...and the fans...and Harry!"

"'ROCKS FALL! EVERYONE DIES!'" Emma waves her mouse about like a mace and books start to fall.

Emma's Muse promptly hides behind the towers of books. She should have known better than to inspire an already on-the-edge university student who pulled two all nighters in forty-eight hours.

* * *

Harry ran into the Great Hall, Alden bounding behind him with his tongue lolling out. Harry ignored the students around him and stopped at the head table. He pulled out his wand and pointed it at Dumbledore. "There will be no more magical guardianship, Headmaster!" He snapped. "Finite!" The beam of light hit Dumbledore. Harry's eyes widened when he felt the magical guardianship snap. He was free! He couldn't fight the urge to jump up and down.

"Ha!" He said happily. "Take that, Dumbledore!" He danced in place and turned to leave when he felt the Great Hall rumble about him. He stopped in shock as great...well, there was no other word for them...rocks started to fall from the ceiling. The rocks covered the head table first and then spread to the remaining tables, neatly covering all of the students. Harry stared around for a few seconds. "Rocks fall...everyone dies. Hmm. Could I use this to get rid of Voldemort?" He thought to himself as he picked his way out of the Great Hall. Alden whined unhappily at the dust covering his fur and slunk along at Harry's heels. "Rocks fall...everyone dies." Harry said again.

Somewhere above him, the author smiled and returned to her preparations for exams. She muttered "Rocks fall...everyone dies!" as she opened her German books.

* * *

Author's Note: I hope you liked it and found some amusement as well. I'm off to study. 


	3. Downward Spiral Into Madness

Author's Note: This is what happens when I stay up too late. I hope someone gets a chuckle out of this.

* * *

Emma sits at the computer in the computer lab, researching the influences of the popular images of the vampire on crime. It is three in the morning and sleep continues to elude our author. 

"Hey, Emma!" Pen, notebook, and Fanta orange soda go flying as Emma starts violently.

"Harry, good God, what are you trying to do? Make me die of fright?" Emma gasps out as she mops up the previously contained Fanta soda with some notebook paper.

"No," Harry answers happily, "but I am bored out of mind."

"Oh? Sorry to hear that." Emma says absently as she hunts for her pen.

"Yes, completely bored." Harry says as he props his feet up on the counter holding the computers.

"Mmm," Emma bends down to look for her pen.

"I was wondering if you were going to update sometime soon." Harry saws as he bends down to help her look for her pen.

"Update?" Emma jumps up and then starts swearing as she hits her head on the counter. "Stupid counter!"

"Um, Emma?" Harry says cautiously. "You okay?"

"No, I'm not okay!" She shouts in exasperation. Emma rubs the back of her head and grimaces. "I've got a paper due in just two days, never mind the teacher told us about it YESTERDAY, a presentation on the Black Death coming up in a week, written in German, by the way, and too much regular homework to make things easy. Add that to the fact that I have fictional characters accosting me, I should just announce that I've gone round the twist, which will be easier than explaining why I'm shouting at nothing!"

"Right," Harry says slowly. "So, about that update? When's it going to happen?" Harry asks with a charming smile.

"Why do you care?" Emma grumbles.

"I care because one version of me is still eating mint chocolate chip ice cream, and the other version of me is sleeping in the Hospital Wing at Hogwarts. Emma, you know how much I HATE the Hospital Wing…and the ice cream is extremely bad to an aspiring actor."

Emma turns and glares at Harry. "I hate you with the burning intensity of a thousand desert suns."

"That's nice." Harry starts playing with the computer chair and smiles crookedly at Emma. "I just want to get out of the Hospital Wing, really. I've been there since July; don't you think that's a long enough time?"

"I could put you there permanently," Emma growls as she finally locates her pen behind the computer monitor.

"Now, Emma, it's not nice to threaten your borrowed characters…"

"Really? So sorry." Emma resolutely turns back to her notebook and the text-cramped computer screen.

Emma actually manages to read for a full five minutes before a noise distracts her. "Hem-hem."

She drops her pen and turns to Harry. _"Yes?"_ she snarls.

"About that ice cream I'm still eating…"

"So help me, Harry, if you don't leave me alone, I'll let the Malfoys adopt you!"

"Wrong story, Emma, love," Harry says as he taps Emma on the forehead.

"UGH!" Emma turns away from Harry and drops her face to the counter. "I…so…thoroughly…hate…you…right…now!"

"And we all love you, Emma darling." A chorus of voices chants from behind Emma.

Emma whirls in her chair and discovers all of her characters, borrowed and original, standing behind her. Every single one, from Paul the therapist to Harry from "What is Right".

"What do you want?" She asks, just a little frightened as seeing her imagination manifest in the computer lab.

"Just an update," Remus says calmly. "That's all."

"You're not really going to let the Malfoys adopt me, are you?" WiR Harry asks in an alarmed voice. "Are you?" his voice cracks with fear. Narcissa's hand drops to his shoulder and pats it. Harry promptly darts away to hide behind the other Harry.

"Oh, for the love of…I've already told you to stop acting like a whimpering three year old…beyond that, you're on your own!" Harry the older pushes the younger back towards the Malfoys. "There, they care about you!"

"I don't want the Malfoys to care about me!" Harry from WiR whispers harshly. "Emma, don't let them adopt me, okay? No matter what!"

"Er, um…" Emma stammers, still trying to wrap her mind around the fact that her characters were talking to her.

"Emma, about that little scene between Petunia and I?" Remus says shortly. "Are you ever going to follow up on that?"

"In loco parentis, Lipardi?" Malfoy Sr. sneers in a disgusted manner. "Honestly, woman, what were you thinking? I am not a paternal sort."

"You will treat Harry exactly like you treat your own child, Lucius Malfoy, or life will become very unpleasant for you!" Narcissa berates her husband.

"How dare you make me a decent human being, Lipardi!" Snape roars after locating her amid the mass of characters and plot lines. "When I get a clear shot of you, I'm going to hex you so hard that your unfortunate progeny will feel it for at least a thousand years!"

"Whoa, Emma. I thought I had problems," Paul says as he pulls another chair over to her and plops down, all of his attention focused on her. "Why don't you tell me how you're handling all of this?"

"This is my brain, right?" Emma asks Paul as Remus starts pulling the younger Harry away from the Malfoys and Narcissa starts pouting about having to compete with a werewolf for Harry's attentions. "I control what goes on here?"

"You're absolutely right." Paul says in an encouraging tone.

"Right," Emma takes a deep breath, closes her eyes, and scrunches up her face in concentration. She waits for a few minutes before opening them again. "YES! They're gone, they're gone!" She dances about the computer lab for a few minutes before returning to her computer to continue her research.

"Roderick Ferrel case from 1996…" she mumbles to herself as she makes notes for her paper.

"Hey, Emma!"

"GO AWAY!!!!"

* * *

Well, I'm off to write that paper now. EL 


	4. FrankNFurter Fun!

Author's Note 1: Just for fun!

Emma sits at her computer desk and ponders all of the research she's done about musical theater in the past few months. "So many musicals, so little time." She mutters as she flips through a few pages of notes. "Too old. Too boring. Not enough parts. Not Harry."

"Did someone say my name?" Harry asks as he materializes on the bed.

"Hi, Harry!" Emma says brightly. "I'm just picking out your next role." Emma tells him as Harry holds up a rag Ron doll. "What? My roommate bought him for me, and they didn't have Snape!"

"The thought that you want to sleep with a Snape doll is even more disturbing than you sleeping with a Ron doll." Harry states as he tosses Ron back onto the bed.

"Just because he's on my bed doesn't mean I sleep with him, Harry. Get your mind out of the gutter." Emma tosses a Reese's peanut butter cup over her shoulder at Harry. "Eat that before I let the dementors out."

"Empty threats, Emma love." Harry says as he opens the sweet.

"Mm-hmm," Emma mumbles as she stares at one paper. "What do you think about leading roles?"

"I thought you decided I wasn't going to do one until later on in my career." Harry says as he leans over and steals another peanut butter cup from Emma's Christmas stocking on her desk.

"Get out of there!" Emma smacks his hand away.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're a very violent person?" Harry asks as he cradles his hand to his chest.

"Once or twice, but that's as I was breaking up with them." Emma says as she pushes all of the other papers away from her and ignores the resounding crash as they fall behind her desk. "I think I have found your role."

"Right." Harry decides to ignore the breaking up comment. "What's my role?"

"Doctor Frank-N-Furter." Emma says brightly.

"Who?"

"He's a transvestite and-"

"Oh, hell no." Harry says shortly. "Bad enough I want to be an actor...I'll never live that role down, Emma."

"Oh, come on! Think of it as a professional challenge!"

"It's just a little bit of drag, Harry. Nothing big." Emma says.

"Drag? Emma, I am already wearing wizarding robes. How much more drag-like can I get?"

Emma doesn't answer. She only closes her eyes with a smirk and opens them as Harry lets out a horrified scream. Birds scatter in terror the world over.

"WHAT IS THIS?" Harry demands as he looks down at himself.

"Your costume," Emma says as she turns back to her desk. "Oh, I forgot the heels!" She winks at Harry as black heels appear on his feet.

"EMMA! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME!" Harry whines as he snatches Emma's comforter for cover.

"You are perfectly covered that way, Harry. You wear less when you swim."

"There is no way I'm going on stage in a black corset, fishnets and heels!"

"You're the character; I'm the fanfic author. You'll do as I tell you."

"You're not my mother!"

Emma's door opens and a small head pokes through. "Emma, roomie? Dinner's here and you owe me – HARRY POTTER! IN A CORSET!" Emma's roommate proceeds to fling herself at Harry and they fall on the bed. "Wait a moment...couldn't you put Lucius in a corset instead? You know I much prefer him."

"EMMA!"

Emma sighs and tunes out her roommate and Harry arguing over the comforter currently covering Harry. "No one is ever happy," She mutters to herself. She turns around and sees her roommate beginning to snog Harry. "Don't mess his make-up!"

Author's Note 2: Harry will not appear in Rocky Horror Picture Show. Sorry, gang. This is just for fun and getting me back into the habit of writing.


End file.
